How to Feel “More Okay” During Negotiations Using a Foreign Language

The way we become okay is by seeing people less okay than ourselves. We feel most comfortable when we see someone less okay than ourselves. Now, a perfect example of this is the American soap opera. A person in the afternoon sits in front of the television and turns on the American soap opera, and I don't care which channel, which station, or which soap opera it is. Some man will be going to prison, some woman will be divorcing her husband, someone will have lost a baby, someone will have murdered somebody, someone will be going bankrupt, someone will be having an affair, and all these terrible things will be happening every single show, and no matter what happens in that show, the person watching that show at the end says, “Well, things are bad, but they’re not that bad. I guess I’m pretty lucky, so I feel okay. I feel okay.”

Why do we feel not okay speaking a foreign language?

One example of my experience: In a meeting, when we must speak in a different language than the one we are used to speaking, and we are not bilingual, we are afraid of making mistakes, and we get nervous and become insecure. Well, I am from Spain, and my mother language is not English… What happens if I must negotiate with some English-speaking person?

Struggle a little is to be not okay. How many of you know the answer to every question? How many of you absolutely know? Well, the ultimate strength of the professional negotiator, the ultimate strength is not to know. When you say, “Why am I here?” I have to say that it’s actually an “I’m not okay” question. I’m a little confused. Why am I here? Because I really don’t know why I’m here. I honestly don’t know what your mind sees. No mind reading, right?

How to feel okay

When called upon to perform in public or before our peers, we never want to reveal our weaknesses or flaws. For our personal “okayness,” we strive instead to project our strengths, working hard to ensure others can’t miss them. Our strengths could be our job title, our experience, technical knowledge, physical beauty, or charming personality. We may be cunning and fearless or quick of wit. Whatever our strength, that is what we build on and present to the world. We need to show this to the world.

And, just to be really sure we are strong and okay, we constantly compare ourselves to others to see how we stack up. Are we a little ahead or a little behind? With people to whom we feel inferior (culturally, socially, or intellectually), we might feel “not quite okay.” Our not-quite-okayness can come through as defensiveness, aggression, resentment, or other emotions.

How to start speaking a foreign language

Let’s go back to my experience for a moment… When I arrived at the University in the United States, my English was not perfect; on the contrary, it was pretty poor. I knew I had to improve it quickly, or I would not be able to understand even some of my classes. After thinking it over, I realized that the best way to improve my English was to surround myself with American students all the time and not speak another language. At first, I made a lot of mistakes that made my classmates laugh... but I laughed harder at myself than they did. So, as they corrected me and I learned, the laughter got less and less each day.

How to help your counterpart get rid of the “I’m not okay” feeling during negotiations

In a negotiation meeting, the fear of making mistakes in the counterpart’s language paralyzes us, and we seek help from professional translators or let colleagues, who we know speak the language better than we do, speak for us. In my case, even though my English is pretty good these days, I often make it seem like I don’t speak it well on purpose. I speak with a heavy Spanish accent and make mistakes that, as in college, make my American interlocutors feel very good. They feel good and more OK when they see my linguistic shortcomings.

Consider this other example: We encounter someone with perfectly looking great hair on a day we are a week overdue for our haircut. How do we feel a little uneasy or a little not okay? When this happens, conversation becomes just a little more complicated, and question-asking becomes a bit awkward; we fear we look silly or even stupid. We’re just not at the top of our game!

Another way I use to make my counterpart feel more OK, as I also do in a workshop, is I try to roll up my sleeves if I’m wearing a shirt and tie. I always unbutton my collar; I don’t care where we are... First thing, I just take my jacket off, roll up my sleeves, and loosen my tie. I’m trying to be comfortable, and a little not okay. Call it humanistic, if you will. I’m trying to be a little more human. I’m trying to be not okay—just a little to allow the adversary to be okay.

Now, turn the situation around. Have you noticed how we humans tend to feel okay when we see someone who’s not okay? It’s another form of comparison. When we are with people we judge ourselves to be ahead of, or at least equal to, we feel far more comfortable. Conversation comes easily, and there is less risk in asking questions. We feel okay with the comparison. Soap operas give their fans great comfort, almost addictive comfort, because the lives of the fictional characters are far more confused and dysfunctional than the viewers’ own lives.

Here’s how okayness applies to the topic at hand: The wise negotiator knows that only one person in a negotiation absolutely must feel okay. That person is not you.

By letting the other person be a little more okay, you start to bring down barriers. By adopting behaviors that allow the adversary to feel okay, you—like Colombo—are actually in control. Most of Colombo’s targets didn’t even realize until after they had “spilled the beans” that his clumsy, forgetful behavior was calculated. Colombo solved every crime by allowing the criminals to feel more okay than he appeared to be. The truly skillful, successful negotiator proceeds likewise, perhaps not to the same extent as Colombo or me, with the language and gets their okayness strokes back at the office or at home.

It’s generally acknowledged that Abraham Lincoln was not a handsome man. Today, as CEO, Lincoln’s advisors and image consultants would no doubt encourage him to dress in styles and colors selected to compensate for his gaunt physique. What did Lincoln do? He actually chose to accentuate his image. His signature stovepipe hat made him seven feet tall. His pants were always too short, accentuating his long legs.

He always wore black, drawing more attention to his thin build. He usually rode a horse so small that any stirrups long enough for his legs practically dragged the ground. He looked ridiculous sitting on a horse. Was this all carefully calculated to help him come across as a common man, as Uncle Abe, as someone his constituents could trust?

As negotiators, we must take the same approach. We are not suggesting you come across as incompetent, but if you can emulate me in small ways, if, in your own way, you can be not quite okay, you will greatly increase your negotiating success because your adversary will feel safer.